I'm torn - two topics spring to mind. The first is - why do I have kids? The second is - why can't you ever trust a musician? Oh such dreadfully uninteresting choices. I'm even subjecting you to the maudlin process of me making a choice. I believe in the right to choose. You can choose an abortion and I can choose armed revolution if you force me to pay for it. I'm kinda broke right now and paying for someone else's "I had six pina coladas" kind of mistake is not high on my list.Sorry I drift..
So let's get down to it. Why do I have children? Well, the most pressing argument is that, well... I already have them. Possession being nine tens of that old cliché about the law, I've got 'em and that is a strong, philosophically bankrupt argument for having them. Cheap argument huh? Ok I'll try harder. I have children because if I am going to live with midgets then I'm damn well going to have the right to discipline them! Imagine the chaos of a couple of dependent midgets on the lose in the pantry. I can't imagine that would be pleasant. Not good enough?
I have children because it is the most selfish thing that you can do. All that hubbub about parents selflessness is just that, hubbub. All people crave survival. The only way that you can truly survive one's own demise is..you guessed it!-children! We have children because in a moment of arrogance we become convinced that the main problem with the world is not enough ME. Oh wouldn't the world be so much better with more of me running around doing the things I like to do. Of course it would - everyone knows that. No one seems to consider that copying ourselves is not always a great idea.
A friend of mine was walking along Central Park West, one sunny Sunday morning. Suddenly he noticed an ugly little boy being towed by his father's hand.
'How unfortunate' he thought 'That kid is ugly as hell. He looks just like Art Garfunkel - orange afro and all'
Then he noticed that the dad in question was Art Garfunkel. See my point?
This brings me to musicians. For twenty two years I represented musicians. This is commonly referred to as " managing bands?. Believe me they not very manageable. You are better off cohabitating with feral midgets.
People seem to become musicians for a few simple reasons, the most common being the desire to "get some". As we enter middle school we are faced with the gruesome reality of having to come up with some scheme to win the affection of others. One seemingly easy route is to this is to join a band. Quite simple really.
In recent decades this seems to be the choice of more and more fools. Now in the past human kind had more sense about the status of musicians. A traveling band of musicians would be hounded from village to village with pitchforks and torches. This, of course, always took place after the gig and the corresponding "I had six pina coladas" mistakes. We may have had better morals but we were not completely insane with morality.
This brings me to the most germane argument in all this wasted chatter. Since people become musicians based on the reasoning of a twelve year old looking for some cuddle time they rarely can be trusted to act like adults. Sometimes we can hope that they will grow out of it. In the very least we can tolerate this mad system and hope that they create the next Sgt Pepper.
Would you really give a twelve year old a private jet, steady supply of free drugs and alcohol, the adulation of thousands of people and an overstuffed bank account? It's absurd really but it brings us to today's ridiculous conclusion. You can't trust musician's because they're essentially children. (I love 'em for it the little scamps) You also can't trust feral midgets but that, my friends, is self evident……….
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